Seeking Spirituality For The Gender Gifted

Click on the date to go to a journal entry

Journal Entry for July 31, 2002

A Weekend In October - October 28, 2002

Introduction - May 24,2001

I believe in a universal power, intelligence, order, that is filled with love and compassion.  That entity is referred to as God.  I have known about God for much  longer than most due to a thirst to understand humankind and our role in the universe.  When others were reading young teenage novels, I was reading books about various religions and philosophers.  When I was confirmed in my church as a high school freshman, I shed a few tears because I knew what it meant. To me, connecting with God and other people on a meaningful level was our purpose in being.

I also have also spent most of my life hiding my gender gift.  Since an early age, I knew I was different because I enjoyed to dress and act as a female as well as a male.  Even when I was not in the dress of the other sex, I knew I had certain qualities different from my male counterparts and was very proud of that fact.

It did not take long for me to realize that dressing the part of a female was "wrong" by the standards of society.  So I hid that part of my life away and it became a covert affair saved for times of being alone.

I could go on, but you either know the story or have lived it.  What I do want to say is that I have had a great deal of success in my life and I think my femaleness including heightened intuition has had a great deal to do with that success.  As the CEO and COO of several companies and a skilled professional in acquisitions and mergers, I have begun to recognize the value of the gift God has bestowed on me.

During the past 3 years I have begun to study once again about the role of spirituality in our lives.  Of most interest was the relationship between work and everyday life and how too many of us try to differentiate our spirituality in varied settings.  I strongly believe that truly spiritual people (those who develop and nurture the spirituality in themselves and others) never turn their spirituality on and off.  This remained the focus of my efforts until just a few weeks ago.  But the synchronicity of the universe kicked into high gear with a few events several months ago without my recognizing its presence.

I was given the opportunity to venture out as Rachel with my wife while on a quick vacation to Santa Fe.  After a bit too much wine and looking at me standing by the door, she said "Let's go or I will have to watch you pout for days".  It was at this time that I referred to my female presentation as Rachel and so did my wife.

For me, it was exhilarating and comfortable at the same time.  She described the experience as if she were jumping out of an airplane.  Although she has known about my crossdressing for almost our entire 24 year marriage, this was a huge step forward for her.  It changed everything we had experienced with my dressing and it was as if I had just told her about myself.  We discussed it at length for months to come.

Once back home, I dressed one morning and she asked if I wanted to go out and I said yes.  With her blessings, I went off without her and again felt complete.  I continued to go out once a week and just be Rachel for several months.  When the holidays came I put things away until our children were back in school.

My wife seemed at times to be fine with the activity, while other times was concerned about where this was leaving and preoccupied with a few physical changes like my reduced body hair. This  eventually caused her great pain and distress.  Feeling her pain and becoming guilty because I saw myself as the cause, I purged and swore I would be the one person that could somehow change the feelings that existed since I was five or six.

She decided to seek some help without my knowledge in order to work through her feelings about Rachel and issues that had to deal with her own journey in this life.  Unfortunately I learned about her visits and projected my feelings onto her very private journey, which was a typical male jerk reaction!  In spite of my interference, many good discussions have taken place opening doors that had remained closed for a long time.  As she began to share more about her lack of knowledge, I took it upon myself to provide her with some resources.  I bought a few books, printed off some support articles, and placed several bookmarks for web sites.  All of this activity allowed me to do some much needed research also and question some things as well.

The therapist asked her if I was involved in a community to which she replied no, then my wife asked me if I even knew about them.  I mentioned I had come across the Gender Identity Center in Denver (Gender Identity Center of Colorado) and a new Tri-Ess Chapter (Tri Ess of Colorado), but told her I had never explored either.  This made me ask myself, why?  I thought about beginning to communicate with others so as not to be so isolated.  Then like most things I deal with in life, I took some action.

I contacted a woman via e-mail whom I had met briefly who was very supportive of her TG husband.  Her name is Sharon and she has opened a home for TG's in Denver and provides a safe place as well as consultations (Sharon's T House in Denver).   I told her of my saga and asked if she and maybe her husband would be available to visit with my wife.

Sharon responded with a love and acceptance that I had never experienced before.  In fact, she brought to my attention God's role in my life and other TG's.  Funny, all these years I had tried to reconcile my desires and feelings with acceptance by God, and Sharon talked about my being a creation of God.

That is when it hit me during a long sleepless night.  The energy I have been spending on everyday spirituality needed to include my life as gender gifted.  I began to think about things like building this site, writing a book, and as an experienced speaker, even beginning to speak on the subject.  That night I felt the presence of God with me and possible guiding me.  What a paradigm shift!

So for now I am working on total acceptance of Rachel and discovering how to best merge my life's purpose and this gender gift.  My wife continues to find her place in the universe and overcome the fears that most wives or significant others face when it comes to their TG partners.  In time, with a great deal of love and understanding, she and I will both appreciate and even enjoy this blessing, this soul, we know as Rachel.

Until next time, blessings and love,

Rachel

Copyright by Rachel Anderson 2001